Thursday, July 28, 2016

An Update

It's been a while.  There have been a few times when I've sat down and wanted to work through my thoughts here, but lately writing has felt like a chore.  Life didn't stop moving forward, but my brain hasn't been able to stop and organize my thoughts in any sort of meaningful way for a while, so I would open the screen and immediately feel exhausted at the thought of filling it up, so I'd close it again and walk away.

I think part of the reason for this is that I've been working through emotional roadblocks here for basically the last two years, and I'm at a point where I just can't be bothered to do that anymore.  Nothing has changed.  Friends still don't talk to me.  Family continues to be a train wreck.  My weekends are still spent at home with little social interaction.  I still sometimes crave the freedom to be completely myself without having to hear about what I need to change to please others.  But, I can't be bothered to think too much on any of that anymore.  Nothing is going to change any of it, so the fretting and sadness over everything just feels pointless.  This is what my life looks like, and I honestly need to just accept and deal with that.  So, I guess maybe I have.  At least in some small way.  At the very least, I don't give it as much space in my head anymore.  I may crave what I see other people have in terms of personal relationships, but I think maybe that's just not the life the universe intended for me to have, and I need to stop trying to force it.  So, I have.  And it's ok.  I can think about other things.

As for life, it goes on.  My husband got a full time teaching job, which is amazing.  He's been working toward this for years and after he left his office job last fall, the stars all seemed to align for him and pieces kept falling into place, each piece leading him closer to this final step.  He's excited, and I'm excited for him.  He is the happiest I've seen him in years, and I'm glad.  I needed him to be happy, to be honest.  I tend to absorb the emotions of the people I surround myself with, so his misery was becoming my misery, and since he left his old job, it's like a weight was lifted from our lives, which I needed.  We both needed.  Probably him more than me.  But it has made the world feel like there's more oxygen in it, and it's good to breathe again.

My daughters are doing well.  The oldest has been dating someone for a while now who seems like a very good fit for her.  She's the happiest I've seen her since she moved in with us, and she keeps casually dropping comments about some day marrying this guy into conversation, looking for a reaction from us.  In reality, I think my husband and I would both be fine with that.  Not tomorrow, obviously, but if that was her choice somewhere down the road, he's a decent one.  Plus, I don't think she's going to find someone who matches her level of weird quite as well.

The younger is in full toddlerhood, which has its good and bad sides.  The fierce independence is hard, and it comes with tantrums that are epic and sometimes exhausting.  Then she swings quickly into moments of adorable that make you want to snuggle her to pieces.  Her vocabulary keeps growing, and she is starting to recognize letters when you point them out to her.  She continues to be obsessed with the cat, and insists on picking out her clothes each day.  Over all, she's turning into a stubborn, quick tempered, bright, hilarious little person, and there are times I wish I saw a little less of myself in her.  For those at home, it's not the bright and hilarious that she and I have in common. 

Was it Robert Frost who said that he could sum up everything he's learned about life in 3 words: It goes on?  I think it was.  I think he's right.  I think that's the best any of us can hope for.  It keeps going, and we go with it.  So that's what I'm doing.  I'm moving along with life.  And for now, that's ok too.  Sometimes it's nice to just go where things take you.