Sunday, June 22, 2014

Cat's out of the bag

Last Thursday, we had what I've come to consider our "big" appointment.  Most people consider that appointment to be the one where they find out the gender, but for me it's the one where we get the all clear that we're not at risk for Down Syndrome, or any other sort of genetic problems.  It also meant we were at the 12 week mark where the risk of miscarriage and all of that stuff drops dramatically.  This particular appointment was a lot more interesting than the last one, even though it was just an ultrasound and nothing else.  Last time, we got nondescript gray blob on a screen, and it was rather anticlimactic.  This time they flipped that screen on and didn't have to jab around to find anything.  It popped up right away, with pretty distinct arms, legs, a tiny little face complete with nose, and a loud heartbeat that sounded like a special effect from a scifi movie.  It felt a lot more real this time, especially since it kept moving around like it was all hopped up on Mountain Dew.

Since we got an all clear it also meant we could tell our families and friends.  I'd been stressed out about this part since day one, but through the magical wonder of texting, the process was a lot less awkward than it could have been.  Most people are jumping up and down to tell their families, but ours tend to have mixed reactions to things like this, so I was anxious.  We ended up telling most of our families after our early morning appointment and several of our friends the next evening.  Now most people know, so that's one less thing to stress out over.  Everyone had positive reactions, which was a bit of a relief.

I still found myself kind of frustrated after telling people because some family members from my husband's side of the family have never really liked me or been overly nice to me, but suddenly they're showing me all sorts of attention and affection.  I sort of feel like suddenly I matter just because I'm spawning a human, which is annoying.  The same thing happened with a friend who I haven't talked to in ages but suddenly we have this baby thing in common and she feels the need to talk to me.  It's kind of stupid.  I hate the idea that I get to matter now just because of a kid.

But, half the battle is done now that people know.  Now let's just stop the crazy, and the insane shopping some of our families are going to be doing.  That seems sort of stressful in itself.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

It's catching up to me

Throughout this process, I've been marveling (worrying?) over how I haven't been experiencing any of those typical pregnancy symptoms everyone talks about.  I kept waiting to turn into a stereotypical movie character who is puking all day, or is wholly unable to function, but that just hasn't been the case. On a lot of levels, lucky me!  On others, the lack of "normal" things also makes you think there's something wrong and the whole pregnancy is going badly.  So, it's a double edged sword.  Not that I talk about it.  I don't really talk about much of what's going on in my head, or with me, because I don't really think anyone wants to hear it anyway, and when I do I'm accused of being not excited.  Or, if I do get excited, someone says something that basically kills the excitement entirely.  There's also an utter lack of enthusiasm within my own household.  My husband literally never talks about it.  It's a non-thing.  It makes me feel really alone in all of this, and that's sad.  I don't expect him to "get it" but....most of the time it's not even acknowledged.  If I bring it up, he'll talk about it for a few minutes and then change the subject.  I feel like I'm just alone in my own thoughts and fears, and I'm on this island of baby growing that no one seems to give a shit about.  No one even asks how I'm doing.

Speaking of how I'm doing, I'd like to go back to that whole not having any typical pregnancy problems.  Everything was great up until this last week or two when all of my energy went straight out the window.  I don't know what happened.  I was fine, and then I wasn't.  But I don't want people to realize I'm not, so I keep pushing on and doing all of my same day to day stuff, not complaining, not talking about it.  I just carry on and pretend I'm not on the verge of dropping to the floor all the time.  It's been coupled with feeling shaky, and light headed, and actually getting up to do actual physical work makes my whole body shake.  My heart races until I feel like I'm going to pass out.  Again, no one notices.  All I want to do is crawl in bed at the end of the work day.  I'm nearly to the 12 week point, shouldn't all of this be pretty much done now?  I thought I was in the home stretch!

I guess it's all just catching up to me.  I'm glad it hasn't been like this the whole 12 weeks, but I would also enjoy if it would stop soon.  I hate not feeling like myself.