Wednesday, December 10, 2014

The Waiting Game

I'm quickly realizing I'm entirely too Type A for this whole uncertainty thing when it comes to babies being born.  I feel like, for the most part, I've held things together pretty well through this whole pregnancy process.  Yes, there's been a bit of whining here and there throughout this blog, but on the surface and with friends I've been fairly laid back about everything.  I get stressed out, but I usually keep it to myself, and I fully understand that most of the time it's my own personality that is causing the issue.  I'm a very "Do it now" sort of person dealing with a lot of people who feel like "We've got time" and that just puts me on edge.  I try to keep everything as normal and even keel as possible though, because most of the time, in the end, it's not worth it to get worked up.

That being said, waiting is hard.  I plan everything.  I think ahead about everything.  Hell, even my job is tied to thinking ahead about stuff.  It's who I am.  So not being able to have a clue when something as life changing as having a baby is going to happen is pretty much pushing me over the edge.  I feel like I'm constantly wired lately.  Could be today.  Could be tomorrow.  Could be up to 2 weeks after my due date.  No one knows.  This is insane, and so nerve wracking.  I can't plan things for work, I can't plan things for the holidays, I can't plan things for after the holidays.  All I know is that at some point between now and 2 weeks into January, a baby will be here, and not having any control or ability to predict anything is the absolute worst.

I've been pushed to more frequent doctor's appointments, which I thought was going to make me feel better.  I figured they'd start doing actual exams as opposed to what we've had up to this point where they listen to the heartbeat and send me on my way.  I thought if they were doing actual exams, I'd have some clues about what was going on.  Maybe nothing is going on and that would let me feel like I've still got a bit of time to wait.  Maybe everything internally is getting prepped and ready and I should start thinking about getting my shit together.  At least if they were taking a look, I'd know SOMETHING.  My appointment this morning was less than 10 minutes long.  Listen to the heartbeat, send me on my way.  Nothing else.  Nothing important.  Come back in 2 weeks.  Great.  So I leave with no more information than I had when we went in.  Normally I love that my doctor doesn't waste a lot of my time and doesn't bog me down with a bunch of unnecessary stuff but this time, I just wanted....something.  Some tidbit of information to work with.  I don't know why I thought it would help me feel less on edge, but I did.  Instead I left feeling just as anxious but added a ton of frustration to that feeling.  So frustrated that I cried when I got into the car.  This morning I was sent on my way with a "See you in two weeks unless we see you in labor and delivery before that" as if that was supposed to be somehow reassuring.  Super.  

I sort of envy the civility and decisiveness of a c-section.

So now I'm just here, waiting and waiting and waiting like I was before, still on edge, still feeling like I'm about to jump out of my skin, still wondering when things will happen.  I do not like it.

Everyone asks how I am and whether I'm "done being pregnant" and the truth is, being pregnant isn't the issue.  I'm not suffering.  I'm not uncomfortable or feeling miserable or anything.  I'm fine.  I'm less done being pregnant and more done with the anticipation.  If I knew exactly what day it'll all happen, I'd be totally fine.  It's the waiting that kills you.

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