Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Eviction Notice

So we've reached it.  The proverbial D-Day of growing a human.  The elusive Due Date that basically means nothing except that you should hopefully have a baby by now.  Except when you don't.  Which is my case.  No baby.  No anything.  Just me, sitting here at work, waiting a bit longer.

I had a doctor's appointment this morning where they talked to me about the NOTHING that's going on South of the border, and I concluded that she's basically my husband at this point.  Never quite on time, always procrastinating.  I'll be sure to hold this against her for the rest of her life.  It may be the last thing I remind her of on my death bed.  My doc informed me that if she doesn't make an appearance by next Wednesday, she's being served an eviction notice.  No more cozy warm floaty home, Seahorse.  Time to GTFO.  That'll be interesting, since it means she'll likely share a birthday with either my niece or my dad.  Not sure how much my niece would like sharing, but my dad would be cool with it.  So at least now I have sort of an "end date" to go with.  If she's not here by the 7th, then that will be my last day of work.  There's some sort of comfort in that.  Plus, originally they said they would let me go up to 2 weeks past my due date, so this is better.  I'm not looking forward to the meds they'll be using to induce me, mostly because I keep hearing they seriously suck, but sometimes you do what you gotta do.

I feel like, when I stop to reflect on the past year, I sort of think that's the motto that sums everything up.  "Do what you gotta do".  In some ways, it's been a really rough year.  That's not to say it was a bad year, but it wasn't easy.  I started it off 10 days into the year with a pretty serious injury, and a surgery 5 days later.  That in itself came with a lot of financial stresses along with a lot of struggle.  The initial recovery wasn't so bad, but the rehabilitation was grueling and in the end it didn't amount to much.  I was told I'd never have full use of my arm again, and that was a crushing blow.  I kept on with the physical therapy, as painful as it sometimes got and as hard as it was to keep going and hoping the doctors were wrong, because sometimes you do what you gotta do.  My husband has struggled with job stresses for as long as he's been in his current job.  He hates it, it makes him anxious and stressed out all the time.  He's miserable every day.  He wants to get out but the paths out from where he is aren't panning out.  He went back to school, trying to come up with an alternative option for himself, even though he doesn't want to be in school and he doesn't want to use up all of his time and energy going through more classes.  He doesn't want to keep working this job that sucks the life out of him, but he keeps going in every day because sometimes you do what you gotta do.  And then there's this whole pregnancy/childbirth process.  This blog is a clear indication that it wasn't something I was jumping up and down about.  I have been scared, reluctant, apprehensive and a variety of other adjectives throughout all of this.  It's not about not wanting children, it's about doubting myself and being afraid of what's around the next corner for me as a pregnant person, or us as a family.  It hasn't been a hard pregnancy.  It's actually been a really easy one.  The hard part has come from battling a lot of my personal demons and trying to convince myself that, despite all of the voices around me telling me I shouldn't do this, that it's something I can do and that I shouldn't be afraid of.  I haven't fully succeeded, but I'm making peace with things a little at a time.  I've powered through this whole pregnancy thing, because sometimes you do what you gotta do.  In this situation, it's the destination that matters, not the journey.  Sometimes you just have to take the journey because it's necessary.  So I did.  Now we're about to hit the destination and I think even when that gets hard, I'll keep powering through because you do what you gotta do.

I guess that's just who we are, my husband and I.  We're people who don't make a big deal about things that are hard because you do what you gotta do.  But it's been a rough year, and we made it through together.  We'll make it through the next year together too, because I know when the chips are down, we can depend on each other to do what we've gotta do to get us past it, and when one of us is weak the other will step in to be strong.  We're very lucky.  Happy New Year.

Monday, December 29, 2014

Know what sucks?

At this point, pretty much everything.

That's not entirely true.  In fact, it's a bit over-dramatic.  But waiting does suck.  And I'm still doing a lot of that.  It doesn't help when people are texting me like "Where is that baby?" as if I'm holding it hostage or something.  Trust me, I'm as tired of waiting as everyone else.  Perhaps I am even, wait for it, MORE tired of waiting than everyone else.  I'm not looking forward to the exit process, but I'm ready to move on to the next milestone.  I'm ready to do something different.  I also wouldn't mind being able to roll over in bed without it being a bunch of effort because my ab muscles are pretty much fucked.  I've done really well throughout all of this, keeping as active as I've always been, not letting anything stop me from living like usual, but lately my abs are stretched to an extreme and they do not want to work like normal anymore.  I want them to.  They just aren't cooperating.  I'm basically back to feeling like I just had some sort of serious workout involving hundreds of crunches and now my abs are screaming for mercy.  It makes things a bit annoying, and certain activities just lead to me feeling like I've pulled more muscles by trying to do normal every day stuff.  I'm glad this has been something that's just come up in the last week or so, when I'm nearly done, but it's still a bit annoying.

Of course, I say I'm "nearly done" but am I?  I have no idea.  Apparently they won't let me go more than 2 weeks over my due date, so at most I have 17 days left, but 17 days seems like a long time.  It's a lot of waiting and wondering.  I'd like for it to not drag on that long, but I don't get much say in this situation.  I fully understand this is probably some sort of metaphor for my future, that I will never have a real say in anything again and life will become unpredictable and whatever else, which is all fine and good, but I'm ready to move forward.

The fact is, this whole time I've felt like this is happening to someone else.  That it's sort of someone else's life.  The lack of pregnancy complaints or struggles (at least other than the ones in my head) and the fact that this kid is pretty mellow as far as I can tell in comparison to other people's kids during pregnancy, has left me feeling like I'm detached from the whole thing.  Intellectually I know this is my kid, she'll be half of my DNA (poor girl) and I'm going to bring her home and be responsible for her for the rest of her life, but on an emotional level I'm still just not there.  I know, terrible of me to say when I'm sitting here 2 days out from my due date and still don't feel "connected" but that's the truth.  It's who I am.  Nothing is real until it's in front of me.  I've always been that way.  So I sort of need to be done so this can be real.  So that I can look at her face and pick out which features are mine, which are my husband's, and I can touch her and hold her and say "Yes, now you are real.  Now you exist and we're a family".  I need this piece of the journey.  As afraid of it as I am, I also just need to get to it.  I need to make something abstract into something real, and I'm tired of waiting.

Plus, I have to start plotting to show her all of these terrifying sonogram photos we have of her looking like an angry alien.  Maybe I'll save that for her wedding.

Friday, December 26, 2014

The wait continues

This morning I had a doctor's appointment.  I had hoped there'd be some information about how much longer this waiting game would keep going on, but nope.  They didn't do an internal exam, again, and they didn't really have any new information.  Took a heart rate.  Estimated she's around 6 lbs.  Sent me on my way.  Yet another 10 minute appointment.  If I were my insurance company, I'd be all sorts of pissed about having to continually pay for these appointments, since they don't DO anything.  It seems like such a waste.

I had to see another doctor because mine is out of town for the holidays, and she asked if I had any concerns and I said "Paying $3,000 for my deductible if she's born on the 1st as opposed to paying nothing if she's born on the 31st".  She seemed wishy washy on that.  She basically just said that if I want to talk about being induced I should do that at my next appointment with my actual doctor.  The appointment that is on my due date, so it wouldn't really matter.  Not that I'm jumping up and down to be induced or anything.  I haven't even requested that.  I just wanted to know if there were other options.  Doesn't seem they're very open to those.  It's frustrating.  I don't want to be put in a financial bind because she shows up a day late.  I'm probably being stupid, but it's stressing me out.  Waiting is stressing me out.  Not knowing what projects I can and can't start at work is stressing me out.  I am also just getting burned out over being at work.  It's like knowing you're going to go on vacation so your brain keeps thinking "Vacation is soon!" every time you leave the office, but not knowing when that vacation is going to happen.  I fully understand that I am by no means actually going on any sort of vacation, but not being in the office is a big deal and I'm frankly burned out on work in general right now, so I have little patience for handling work related tasks.  I'm trying not to check out mentally, but it's hard.  I feel like I'm in the movie Clerks always thinking "I'm not even supposed to BE HERE today".

All in all, I'm just tired of waiting.  This has been a journey of milestones and I'm just ready to move on to the next one.

Monday, December 22, 2014

T-Minus 9 Days

Or like 23 days, if we're not being optimistic.  I was told that they'd let me go up to 2 weeks past my due date before inducing could be a while.  People are like "So, no signs that it'll be soon?" and I keep wondering what sort of signs these people mean.  I'm told that there are some things that could happen in advance of arrival, which are semi-gross so I will spare you the details, but also that those things may not happen at all until you're in full on labor so.....what exactly are people wanting me to look for?  Trust me, I wish there was a sign that said "Today's the day" because it'd be make things easier.  In fact, I'd sort of like today to actually be the day.  The 22nd tends to hold significance for my husband and I, and there's a piece of me that thinks the 22nd would be a really cool birthday just to keep in line with our other big events on the 22nd of other months.  The day we started dating was the 22nd.  Our wedding anniversary is the 22nd.  It'd be neat to add this to the list.  But, I'm sitting here and it's nearly 3:00 p.m. and there's a whole lot of nothing going on so I somehow doubt it's going to happen.  In fact, from the way things are looking, she may stay there until she's 30.

I'm also moderately freaked out by the idea that I could go from zero to "Oh hey, there's going to be a baby today" without warning.  I said something to my sister last week along the lines of "Well, if it was going to be today, I'd probably already be going through something at this point" and she said "Not really.  You could be sitting there feeling totally normal right now and in an hour your water could break and you're on your way to the hospital.  There's really no telling.  That's how it was with mine.  I spent the whole day feeling totally normal and then it was baby time.  You can't predict anything in this".  That's a scary idea!  I mean, you'd think your body would prep you a bit, but I guess not.  And since I haven't even experienced false contractions, I have no idea what to expect from actual ones.  I assume an ass-ton of pain.  I always assume an ass-ton of pain.

So basically this is just to say the waiting game continues.  We'll see how it goes.  I'd prefer her to not show up on Christmas.  I would also prefer to see her outside of my body before the end of the year so I don't have to re-pay my insurance deductibles.  Fingers crossed!

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Still here

The funny thing about this point in a pregnancy is that everyone starts asking how you're feeling, but they ask it with one of those tones like they're sort of afraid of your answer.  I think people are used to getting their heads bitten off by women who are just over the whole process.  I find that when I reply "I'm fine", everyone looks at me like they're waiting for something else.  Like that's the opening line for a flood gate to open and the bile to start spewing out about how I really am.  Or, they just look at me like I'm lying.  But I'm not lying.  I'm fine.  I'm impatient.  I hate waiting.  I hate not knowing.  But I'm not miserable.  I'm not "so over it".  I'm not shouting things like "This baby needs to get out of me!" like some of my co-workers did.  I'm fine.  I just sort of want to know when the next step is going to happen.  I'm not looking for a light at the end of the tunnel, I'm just looking for an end to the uncertainty and anticipation.

I think other people are looking for that too.  I've now reached ticking time bomb status, where everyone thinks every call or text from me or my husband is going to be THE CALL.  My mother didn't hear from me for 2 hours last week after I said I'd stop by to pick something up "later" and called to make sure we weren't squirreled away in a hospital somewhere keeping her out of the loop.  I was at work and my computer shut down while I was in a meeting so my connection to the office instant messaging program went dead and I got a text from a friend I work with that said "Are you having a baby?" because that's what people immediately think now when anything seems odd.  It's sweet, and nice that people are thinking of us, but it's also so weird.  I'm not used to people really paying attention to what I'm doing on any given day.  It's been interesting to see who is excited, especially since some of the people who have been inquiring are a bit unexpected.  Now I feel like it's not just me who is on edge going "When will this happen?", but instead it's everyone.  Everyone waiting and wondering.

My husband had a weirdly prophetic dream over the weekend that she'd be born on the 18th.  I don't know whether to put much stock into that dream or not.  He's done that before, predicting his grandfather's death and also being within a day of our friend's son being born, so who knows?  I'm not sure if it's good or bad that he told me that.  On one hand, it's funny and I fully understand that it means nothing.  On the other hand, there's a piece of me that is mentally like "Ok so it'll be tomorrow.  I better wrap up ALL of my work stuff today" even though there's absolutely no reason for me to believe that's true.  It was a dream.  It doesn't mean much.  But there's that little voice that says "but what if he's right?" because you sort of can't help thinking that sometimes.  I guess we'll find out tomorrow.

Speaking of work, I handed off most of my stuff to people who will be covering while I'm out.  All of my big projects were wrapped up last week, so I don't have a whole lot going on in my work world at the moment.  It makes it really hard to not just have ADD and spend my days doing a lot of nothing.  Such a bad way to handle your work life, I know.  But at the same time, I have no idea when my last day here will be's hard to get really invested in what I'm going to be doing tomorrow.  I'm trying not to mentally check out, but it's difficult.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

The Waiting Game

I'm quickly realizing I'm entirely too Type A for this whole uncertainty thing when it comes to babies being born.  I feel like, for the most part, I've held things together pretty well through this whole pregnancy process.  Yes, there's been a bit of whining here and there throughout this blog, but on the surface and with friends I've been fairly laid back about everything.  I get stressed out, but I usually keep it to myself, and I fully understand that most of the time it's my own personality that is causing the issue.  I'm a very "Do it now" sort of person dealing with a lot of people who feel like "We've got time" and that just puts me on edge.  I try to keep everything as normal and even keel as possible though, because most of the time, in the end, it's not worth it to get worked up.

That being said, waiting is hard.  I plan everything.  I think ahead about everything.  Hell, even my job is tied to thinking ahead about stuff.  It's who I am.  So not being able to have a clue when something as life changing as having a baby is going to happen is pretty much pushing me over the edge.  I feel like I'm constantly wired lately.  Could be today.  Could be tomorrow.  Could be up to 2 weeks after my due date.  No one knows.  This is insane, and so nerve wracking.  I can't plan things for work, I can't plan things for the holidays, I can't plan things for after the holidays.  All I know is that at some point between now and 2 weeks into January, a baby will be here, and not having any control or ability to predict anything is the absolute worst.

I've been pushed to more frequent doctor's appointments, which I thought was going to make me feel better.  I figured they'd start doing actual exams as opposed to what we've had up to this point where they listen to the heartbeat and send me on my way.  I thought if they were doing actual exams, I'd have some clues about what was going on.  Maybe nothing is going on and that would let me feel like I've still got a bit of time to wait.  Maybe everything internally is getting prepped and ready and I should start thinking about getting my shit together.  At least if they were taking a look, I'd know SOMETHING.  My appointment this morning was less than 10 minutes long.  Listen to the heartbeat, send me on my way.  Nothing else.  Nothing important.  Come back in 2 weeks.  Great.  So I leave with no more information than I had when we went in.  Normally I love that my doctor doesn't waste a lot of my time and doesn't bog me down with a bunch of unnecessary stuff but this time, I just wanted....something.  Some tidbit of information to work with.  I don't know why I thought it would help me feel less on edge, but I did.  Instead I left feeling just as anxious but added a ton of frustration to that feeling.  So frustrated that I cried when I got into the car.  This morning I was sent on my way with a "See you in two weeks unless we see you in labor and delivery before that" as if that was supposed to be somehow reassuring.  Super.  

I sort of envy the civility and decisiveness of a c-section.

So now I'm just here, waiting and waiting and waiting like I was before, still on edge, still feeling like I'm about to jump out of my skin, still wondering when things will happen.  I do not like it.

Everyone asks how I am and whether I'm "done being pregnant" and the truth is, being pregnant isn't the issue.  I'm not suffering.  I'm not uncomfortable or feeling miserable or anything.  I'm fine.  I'm less done being pregnant and more done with the anticipation.  If I knew exactly what day it'll all happen, I'd be totally fine.  It's the waiting that kills you.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Making Room

So part of the journey to not having a total meltdown at the prospect of how close this whole thing is getting was to figure out where this kid was going to live.  The problem was that we kept stalling out on actually doing anything.  The room had been an empty shell since the beginning of October, and I had primed the walls weeks ago before everything came to a halt.  We pretty quickly hit a point where I couldn't do anything myself.  I wasn't supposed to use most of the stuff I needed to make any progress.  There were some pin holes in the walls that needed to be patched with spackle, and the spackle had a nice warning about causing birth defects so I wasn't allowed to use that.  I hate getting to a point where I have to rely on other people to do things.  Plus, there was this whole board and batten wall treatment that we wanted to do that required some construction and some lumber purchasing, which required more thought and planning.  It also required more people to do work with things I wasn't allowed to use, like wood filler and caulk.  I'm really bad at having to wait for other people to do things.  I'm really independent and I prefer to do things myself because depending on other people to get things done is difficult for me.  Especially because I like things done on my timeline, and no one else seems to have the same priorities I have most of the time.  I find myself a lot less frustrated if I just take care of things on my own.  Unfortunately, this was not a situation that lent itself to me being able to do that, so I had to do a lot of waiting, and finally had to break down and ask for help before I had an actual breakdown over how long it was taking and how close we were to having an actual baby with no room to put it into.  So, after my dad agreed to swoop in and rescue me, we were able to make some progress.  Between him, my husband, and me, we were able to knock out most of the work in one night.
 This was during the process of constructing the board and batten.  After my dad came over to help put everything on the walls, we had wood filler all over the boards and it had been sanded down a bit.  I did manage to paint the top portion of the room with the blue I had picked a few weeks ago but the bottom part of the room hadn't been painted yet, but it was mostly ready for a coat of white paint.

Boards painted, but the wall behind them still coated in primer and in need of a coat of white paint.

 Everything painted, patched, caulked and ready for furniture.  The white looks super nice against the blue, and all of the spackle patches smoothed out perfectly so you can't even tell where anything was damaged before.

 Painted the closet lavender so that it wasn't a plain boring white like every other closet in the house.  Also, homegirl has a lot of clothes.  The top shelf is all blankets that people have purchased or made for her.  I feel like she's already spoiled as hell.

  Furniture added to the room so that it looks like it's finally ready to be lived in.  The rocker was a gift from my baby shower.  I purchased the dresser from Craigslist and refinished it with yellow paint.  Not the biggest fan of the Pepto-Bismol pink changing pad cover, but it's pretty much all they had at Target so I registered for it anyway.

Got the crib put together.  I made the quilt, and my mom made the little banner out of the scraps from my quilt fabric.  The whole room isn't officially finished yet.  We need a lamp, a rug and some curtains, plus some artwork on the blank walls, but at least at this point it's a habitable room where we can put her if she shows up early.  I'll probably be working on finishing it for a while, at least until I find the rug and curtains I like, which is proving more difficult than anticipated.  At least for now, it's a space I can live with.