Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Craving Connection

It's been a while.  Mostly because my free blogging time has been not-so-free lately, and also because I've been in this space of having too much to say and not enough energy to get it all out.  Even now, sitting here attempting to write this, I find myself exhausted at the idea of having to organize my thoughts into something coherant.

There's been a lot going on in my life.  Aside from the normal trials of child development moving forward at a lighting pace, the rest of my personal life seems to be in constant turmoil.  I don't have a family that one might consider easy.  At best, one could call them challenging.  Lately, challenging has morphed into daunting and there's really no end in sight.  I guess it would matter less if I stopped feeling like it was my responsibility to try to hold the pieces together sometimes, but I can't seem to turn that switch off in myself.  Outside of that, my immediate family life has been in some turmoil that has me a bit off balance.  Truthfully, there's been turmoil for the past four years, but things kind of came to a head lately and while pieces of the issues seem resolved, there are other pieces that are just out there stinking up the place like dead fish.

All of this has left me feeling......alone.  When I think about it, I've felt really alone for years now.  I've craved connection with people for a really long time, and it seems that every time I think I find it, it falls apart.  I had a friend I was close with for a long time, and then things fell apart when it sort of became clear that she didn't understand my life at all no matter how much explaining I tried to do, and that the impression was that the turmoil I experience was somehow something I fed off of.  Something I wanted for attention.  That is, quite frankly, not the case at all.  So that fell apart.  I put my energy into a new friendship with someone I thought I could confide in, only to be told that I "needed more therapy than I could afford" and again criticized for having the audacity to actually share my life with someone.  Felt close to another friend only to find that there was some betrayal of confidence going on that I didn't appreciate, and I pulled back from that.  With life circumstances keeping my husband at arms length from me at all times, and no other real friend connection that I feel like I can trust, I just feel.....alone.  And it's hard.

The truth is that I find myself wishing I could call up my mom and cry for an hour and pour all of my feelings out so they stopped being so heavy to carry around, and that she'd tell me it'll be ok and that she loves me, and try to offer some encouragement.  But that's not the mom I got.  That's not the life I lead.  I don't have anyone in my world to offer that level of unconditional love, and it's hard.  It's hard to accept, and it makes me rage at the universe when I'm struggling like I have been and there is no one who will look at my rusty edges and say "Hey, I've got some oil for those...." instead of  "Stay away from me, that's sharp and I'll get tetinus".  The truth is, it hurts more than anyone can know.

I keep reading blogs from other people, and a lot of them I find ridiculous and self important, but I keep seeing these themes of lasting and genuine friendship.  I keep seeing these women who love each other's children and hug each other when bad things happen, and who give advice when troubled times hit, and for the first time in my life I find myself craving that.  Weirdly, I want a mom friend.  Not like, a mommy friend, because I'd have to choke her in a matter of minutes, but a mom who is like me.  A mom who is realistic and who will just say "Yeah, that shit sucks, huh?  Sometimes kids are assholes" or who won't think I'm a terrible person when I say that I'd kill for a weekend to myself.  Sure, I left my daughter with family while we went on vacation, but "vacation" in my world still means getting up at 6:00 a.m. and cramming so many activities in that you aren't sure when there will be time to eat.  It meant traveling with other people.  It meant work.  What I want is a weekend that is totally open to just do whatever I want.  To sleep in until the shocking hour of 9:00 a.m and then wake up and do whatever I want to do without having to take anyone else's opinions or needs into consideration.  I just want two days to be leisurely.

But, more than that, I want someone to connect with who makes it safe and ok to say those things.  I want the safety of pouring myself into someone else without fear of consequence, or having to worry that I'm somehow bogging them down with my life and my presence is a burden.  I want to stop feeling so utterly alone in this space I occupy.  I feel like I've become a vessel for everyone to pour their bad energy into and I've been carrying it around for so long, and it's becoming heavy.  It's like Frodo carrying that stupid fucking ring into Mordor.  I'm dragging it along, trying to save everyone around me, all the while feeling like it's a weight no one can truly carry alone.  I need a Samwise Gamgee.

I need someone who isn't afraid to see all of me.  Sometimes I'm so tired of hiding.


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