Sunday, April 23, 2017

There are a lot of opinions

There are times in the past two years of this parenting journey where I've wondered if other people listen to some of the things that I've had people say to me.  Like, I know that everyone faces their own hardships, or their own challenges and struggle with judgmental people on some level, but I wonder if other people have experiences similar to mine.

It's been no secret that my internal struggles have been largely with feeling like I'm cut out for this mom thing.  I've had so much inner turmoil over whether I should or could be a parent that it robbed me of all appreciation of the experience of becoming a parent.  It's been an ongoing voice in the back of my head that I work to silence every day.  I am always questioning every decision.  Every piece of progress she makes or doesn't make, I wonder if I should have done something different.  Nothing is straight forward.  Nothing happens without questioning or insecurity.  I try to project confidence, but when I'm by myself, alone with my thoughts, the voice starts creeping in and I'm spending a significant amount of energy to silence it.

So, imagine how hard it is to silence that voice when you also have people around you outright telling you that you're a crap parent.  To have people say things like "Your daughter deserves better" or to have people tell you that your child deserves to know they're loved but you don't show them that you love them in any way, or to have people tell you what you would do "if you were a good parent".

My in-laws have taken to attacking me and my parenting skills.  And when I say that, I don't mean some sort of polite, passive aggressive commentary offered up in conversation.  I mean outright attacking me.  My mother-in-law told me that I don't show my daughter I love her.  My brother-in-law decided to tell me what I'd be doing if I were a good parent.  And I'm just supposed to accept that shit in an effort to be polite.  But you know what it doesn't do?  It doesn't help that voice in my head get any quieter.

The thing is, I've dealt with mistreatment from these people for years.  I know that their invalid opinions shouldn't get to me because they're awful, but it's infuriating that I have to put up with that kind of stuff, or listen to it.  And, it makes me wonder if other people deal with this kind of shit, or if it's just something special that life has chosen to shit on me with.


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