Tuesday, June 17, 2014

It's catching up to me

Throughout this process, I've been marveling (worrying?) over how I haven't been experiencing any of those typical pregnancy symptoms everyone talks about.  I kept waiting to turn into a stereotypical movie character who is puking all day, or is wholly unable to function, but that just hasn't been the case. On a lot of levels, lucky me!  On others, the lack of "normal" things also makes you think there's something wrong and the whole pregnancy is going badly.  So, it's a double edged sword.  Not that I talk about it.  I don't really talk about much of what's going on in my head, or with me, because I don't really think anyone wants to hear it anyway, and when I do I'm accused of being not excited.  Or, if I do get excited, someone says something that basically kills the excitement entirely.  There's also an utter lack of enthusiasm within my own household.  My husband literally never talks about it.  It's a non-thing.  It makes me feel really alone in all of this, and that's sad.  I don't expect him to "get it" but....most of the time it's not even acknowledged.  If I bring it up, he'll talk about it for a few minutes and then change the subject.  I feel like I'm just alone in my own thoughts and fears, and I'm on this island of baby growing that no one seems to give a shit about.  No one even asks how I'm doing.

Speaking of how I'm doing, I'd like to go back to that whole not having any typical pregnancy problems.  Everything was great up until this last week or two when all of my energy went straight out the window.  I don't know what happened.  I was fine, and then I wasn't.  But I don't want people to realize I'm not, so I keep pushing on and doing all of my same day to day stuff, not complaining, not talking about it.  I just carry on and pretend I'm not on the verge of dropping to the floor all the time.  It's been coupled with feeling shaky, and light headed, and actually getting up to do actual physical work makes my whole body shake.  My heart races until I feel like I'm going to pass out.  Again, no one notices.  All I want to do is crawl in bed at the end of the work day.  I'm nearly to the 12 week point, shouldn't all of this be pretty much done now?  I thought I was in the home stretch!

I guess it's all just catching up to me.  I'm glad it hasn't been like this the whole 12 weeks, but I would also enjoy if it would stop soon.  I hate not feeling like myself.


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