Monday, February 29, 2016

A year of being selfish

I keep thinking about life as I currently know it.  My foster daughter had a party on Saturday, which I kept telling her was "her party" and that meant she was going to have to do all of the work for it.  Then I proceeded to do a bunch of work for it.  I made pizza dough.  I made brownies from scratch.  I mixed cocktails.  Some of them stayed over, so I got up early on my ONE day a week that I'm able to sleep in and I made cinnamon rolls and a quiche for her guests.  In the end, for being her party, I took care of a lot of things.  When I take a hard look at things, that's sort of how my life goes all of the time.  Even when I say "This isn't my job, someone else will be doing it", the first time someone asks me to step in, I say yes.  I am constantly taking care of other people and their needs.  I often give up my own preferences to make sure everyone else is happy and cared for.  This extends through almost all areas of my life.  I put up this front of being combative at work and being a rabble rouser, but when we look at it, I'm always fighting for injustices happening to other people and rarely for myself.  This makes me look bad for constantly fighting the good fight for other people and I rarely get anything in return by way of payoff.  Then, when I have to stand up for myself, I've sort of used all of my clout.   I'm working on it.  I really am.

The problem I have is that I never want to be perceived as selfish.  I try incredibly hard to keep myself from being selfish and awful.  I give up things I want because I'm trying to be selfless.  I shy away from offering input on any subject that could make me look like I'm not putting someone else first.  I don't give many opinions on where to go for dinner, for example.  It drives my husband insane.  The problem is that after a lifetime of putting others first in most situations, it leaves me feeling drained and unbalanced.

I keep thinking that 2016 needs to be a year of being selfish.  Not to the extent that I become a terrible person, but I think it means I need to do more things that will bring some balance back.  Take care of myself in addition to everyone else.  For example, I don't ever want to travel for work because I have nothing in my closet that is client-facing appropriate.  I plan to fix that.  I'm also realizing that my husband takes classes 2 nights a week and while it's not a break from life, it's a few hours a week where all he has to do is show up and be present.  I need something for myself that feels that way.  I need to find something to do where all I have to do is focus on that.  As it is, I can't even sit on my sofa watching tv because all I think is "I should be picking up those toys" or "I probably need to go unload the dishwasher" and it's too hard to actually relax in my own space.  I need to do something else.  I've also been having problems with energy levels just not existing most days, and I'm so tired of being tired, so I'm hoping that maybe I can find some sort of exercise routine that will help boost my energy so I don't feel like I'm exhausted all the time.  So, I want to figure some things out.

But, on occasion, I'm going to take the selfish route and see if life starts to feel more balanced.


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