Monday, February 22, 2016

Life as I know it

In the aftermath of being a crazy person, I'm continuing to feel incredibly embarrassed by the sort of crazy person I am and replaying my crazy over and over in my head so I can beat myself up over it because that's what I do to myself.

As I continue to reflect on the current life I lead, I find that while I'm sad that I don't get as much social time with other people as I might want or talk to people as much as I might wish I could, I also have to admit that I enjoy my family time at home more than I used to.  I enjoy rolling around on the floor with my daughter, or cuddling up on the couch and reading her a million books in a morning, or watching her scribble on some construction paper with a crayon.  I enjoy it so much that when Sunday night rolls around and I'm incredibly sad that I have to go back to work and miss out on that time.  Not because I can't stand to leave her or anything, but because I genuinely enjoy my time with her, but also the time I get with my husband and her together.  I enjoy that we've started doing Sunday night dinners with my foster daughter and her boyfriend where we all get together and find ourselves still at the table chatting long after the food has disappeared from everyone's plates.  I just find myself loving this quiet little space that's been created here with my favorite people.  Sometimes I enjoy it to the point where I don't necessarily want to let other people in, which leaves things at odds with my need to stay in touch with other people, and can be really hard.  I find myself craving more of that time spent with people I love, and it starts to make me realize how people can be stay at home parents sometimes, because that space space you exist in can be addictive.  And, to be honest, this is an awesome age to spend with my daughter.  She's funny, she's got things she loves and things she dislikes, she's learning new things every single day, she's becoming such an awesome little person, and there are days when I'm sad that I'm missing some of that.  I just want to get home every night so I can hopefully get a few happy hours with her before bedtime.  It's hard.  But, sometimes as much as I try to bury my life and hide this part of it from people I feel don't care about it or want to hear about it because it signifies that I'm a mom now and for so many of my friends that's annoying or boring or just a feature of my life that makes me alien to them, I wish it didn't have to feel that way.  I wish I sort of felt better about people continuing to embrace me as I am even though my life looks a little different now. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by people who would be happiest if I kept pretending to be someone else when they're around, and I don't know how to find a place where I don't have to do that.


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