Thoughts on Society and Moms

I read this article in Time magazine this weekend and found it incredibly interesting to read all of the ways that moms are prone to feeling terrible about the role of being a mom.  I sat a meeting recently at work where a co-worker, whose children are now in college, was listing her regrets for things she didn't do often enough when raising her sons.  I started listing things that I feel bad about in raising my daughters.  A few other moms chimed in with their regrets.  Another one of my co-workers who does not have children looked around the room and was flabbergasted that all of these women who she thinks are amazing, and are probably excellent parents, were sitting at a conference table talking about everything the felt awful about.  She said she didn't understand why we all felt like there was so much to feel bad about when we were clearly all involved and dedicated, and it made her sad to hear all of these things being said. 

But that's kind of how it is, isn't it?  We, as mothers, are often bombarded with so much feedback about how every one of our life choices will somehow damage our children that we overlook all of the really amazing things we do.  We overlook the kissed boo boos, the extra bedtime story, the hugs in the morning, the way we lovingly swaddle a newborn, the millions of diapers that get changed before your child finally is ready to potty train, the encouragement given as you struggle with that potty training, and the celebrations you throw for every single success your child has.  We discard the birthday parties, the afternoon spent making cookies, the few minutes you can squeeze in to color together, the tea parties we attend, the lovies we patch back together after they've been loved a little too much, the clothes we purchase, the shoes we tie, the bath times where we end up soaked from overzealous splashing, the way we check on them before going to bed ourselves each night.  We think of those things as "ordinary" or "expected" and we forget that each of those things IS motherhood.  They are all strung together bit by bit to weave this tapestry of motherhood that our children will remember.  And none of those things involve whether you bought organic or conventional apples.

Those aren't the things that society as a whole, and certainly not other mothers, seem to think matter in the long run.  If you're a new mom, you're immediately bombarded with tons of advice on what you should or should not do.  What you should eat (organic chemical free everything!!).  What you should drink (Water!  Filtered to remove all chemicals!  Never coffee!!).  Whether you should breast feed or bottle feed (Breast feeding is the only answer, formula is poison!!!).  You are slammed with "advice" that sounds an awful lot like judgement, because it is.  It's a million judgements thrown at you to pressure you into making the "right" choices.  But "right" for other people might not be "right" for you, and there doesn't seem to be a clear voice of sanity to talk about that on a large scale.  There aren't many voices saying "fed is best".  There aren't many voices saying "Circumcision is a personal choice, do what you want".  There aren't many voices saying "I trust you're not trying to damage your growing fetus with what you eat, so I'll keep my damn mouth shut". 

The article I read was followed by this essay, detailing the many opinions people want to hand out like Halloween candy while you're pregnant.  It brought back some vivid memories of the "advice" people wanted to give me while I was pregnant.  I distinctly remember a moment where I was at my in-laws house and I reached into the fridge to grab a soda.  My sister-in-law looked directly at me and said "The caffeine free ones are in the door".  She was pregnant at the time as well, and I said "OK, thank you" as I cracked open my can of regular Coke.  She stared at me and said "You know you're not supposed to have caffeine, right?" and I said "I'm not supposed to have too much caffeine, and I haven't."  It was a strange moment of realizing that suddenly people were watching me, and paying close attention to what I might be eating or drinking.  The reality was that I was told I could have 200 mg of caffeine a day.  The can of Coke contained 34 mg, which I knew because I had looked it up.  Plus, at that point I was over five months into my pregnancy and the caffeine concerns were less of a concern in general.  I wasn't damaging my baby, I was giving myself a little sugar rush.  That wasn't the assumption that was made, in this case, though.  The assumption was that I should know better than to drink that soda.  I had never experienced anything like it before.

All of this leads me to wonder WHY so many people feel qualified to weigh in, pass judgement, give "advice" in situations where we are perfectly capable of figuring these things out on our own.  Sure, we've all met that horrible bratty kid who listens to no one and misbehaves constantly and wondered "What are that kid's parents doing?", but I feel like that's often the exception and not the rule.  Why do people around us feel like it's ok to tell you that you're feeding your kid poison if you mix up some formula?  Why do they feel like it's ok to tell you that if you breast feed you can't do it in public?  Why do your friends and family get to weigh in on whether you circumcise your son?  Furthermore, why do we as parents, particularly moms, have to feel like we're always doing the wrong things for our kids when all any of us wants to do is what's right?  It seems like there's some mystical force in the universe that has somehow pitted us against each other instead of supporting each other through something that is really fucking difficult.  Because sometimes being a mom is really fucking difficult!  Self doubt doesn't make it any easier.  Having your family tell you that you don't love your kid because you make sarcastic jokes about them doesn't make it any easier.  Having your friends tell you that you should raise your kid like they raised theirs doesn't make it any easier.  Having strangers pass judgement on you for how you choose to discipline, speak to, or interact with your child doesn't make it any easier.

I've been a mom of an infant/toddler for nearly three years.  In that time, I can count on one hand on one finger how many encouragements I've gotten while out in public with my daughter. I can't begin to tell you how many judgmental head shakes, dirty looks, admonishing glances, whispered comments, or outright verbal backlash I've gotten.  And my daughter is pretty damn well behaved in public.  I can't imagine what mothers with children who are extra challenging in public spaces get.  I can guarantee it's probably not encouragement.  I can guarantee that what they need in that moment is encouragement. 

I don't know why we do this to each other, but damn do I feel like it needs to stop.  Maybe the next time you're out, and you see a mom doing whatever she's got to do with her kid, just give her a smile and tell her she's doing a great job.  You might be the only person who says that to her all year.