Wednesday, April 30, 2014

I'm so bad at this

So, I told someone.  I know, you're not supposed to tell people.  But I told someone.  I was FREAKING OUT and I needed to be talked off a ledge, so I told someone who is removed enough from my every day life and couldn't possibly slip and tell any family, or any other close friends.  I told someone who was also a mom, who had gone through all of this relatively recently and who would relate to some of the reasons I was freaking out, but not make me feel like a terrible person for it.  This friend is also someone who has been asking us for YEARS when we were going to have kids.  My husband jokingly responded to her question with "Some day" and she said "Sunday?  I heard Sunday.  You should have a kid on Sunday".  This was probably four or five years ago.  So, I sent her a text that just said "It's Sunday".  She didn't need more explanation.

I then proceeded to explain how badly I had freaked out, and how much I was still freaking out under the surface, and how we hadn't told anyone but I kind of needed to tell her because she wouldn't get crappy with me because my first moments weren't those of sheer joy and elation.  I also said I was a little nervous that it wouldn't be cute, and that I'm not sure I'm a good enough person to say "Oh, it's beautiful no matter what it looks like".  I can't stress enough what a very not good person I am.  She at least said she had the same thoughts when she had her kids, and that it's totally ok to want it to be cute.  So, maybe I'm a less shitty person than I thought.

But still, there are thoughts back there.  Like, if tiny fetus decides to abandon ship in the next few weeks, I'm not sure I'll be able to say "Oh, this happens, we can try again".  Sure, I'm not jumping up and down with excitement or anything because I'm a control freak who is really afraid of all this change, but I'm also not reaching for the coat hanger or anything.  I don't know that I'll be able to accept that my lack of joy and excitement didn't play into the ship abandonment.  I don't know that I'll be able to sit there and honestly say "This was a fluke, it had nothing to do with me", because like......I wasn't the movie mom from the start.  I wasn't picking out baby names.  I wasn't doing all of those mom things.  I was mostly just not talking too much about it, and doing a lot of this:

That's not what good moms are supposed to do.  This thing isn't even fully formed out of tadpole shape, and here I am, fucking it up already.  

And I told someone before I was supposed to tell someone.

I'm already so bad at this.


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