Thursday, May 1, 2014

Just the facts, ma'am

Why did I go onto the internet?  Why did I start looking up articles on bullshit websites like  Why did I think any of that was a good idea?

Because I wanted facts.

Do you know what those sites don't really give you?  Facts.

I'm a very focused and planned person.  I like to know what I'm getting myself into.  I'm not 100% sure how far into this thing I am, since really the only major "signs" I've got going on are sore boobs (seriously though, let's be real, super sore) and the skipped period.  Oh, and the two positive pregnancy tests.  Because you can't trust just one.  I'm not going to lie, the lack of other "symptoms" has me thinking I should go take a third, just to be sure.  What if the first two were wrong?  But honestly, I don't know what that means.  I don't know how far into this I am, or if I should be showing more symptoms, or if some people just get the sore boobs or what.  According to the OB's office that I made an appointment with, I'm roughly 6 weeks in based on the trajectory of the stars and the placement of Venus and whether Jupiter is aligned with Mars and if it's a clear day in Seattle, or something.  I had to provide the first day of my last period.  Awesome.  I wish I knew when exactly that was.  No idea.  I think March 14th.  I'm not exactly diligent at keeping track of these things.  It shows up, I buy tampons, it goes away, life moves on.  I don't keep close tabs on exactly when it starts, or how long it lasts, or how many days between.  I used to have birth control to keep track of that shit for me.  Now I don't, and I just assume it'll start when it does and end when it feels like it.  Unless it doesn't start at all, which is what puts us here.  Anyway, if I'm 6 weeks in, that puts me at a due date around December 19th.  Ok.  Fine.  But what the hell does 6 weeks in look like?  I don't mean that adorable, romantic "This is the tadpole that is your baby right now, look at its grotesque little tail and seahorse body" stuff.  It's a tadpole.  Gross.  Don't care.  What does this mean for me?  Am I at a point where, if I haven't started fighting nausea and puking everywhere, I probably won't have that problem?  I'm told I should be feeling tired.  Am I at a point where this is the most tired I'll feel, or do I have more tiredness to look forward to?  I told you, I'm a very self centered person.

I wanted answers, and I don't see a doctor until the end of May, so that's just not going to work for me, which is what got me to open the can of worms that is the internet.  What I found is that pretty much every update from week 4 to week 8 is the exact same goddamn thing.  Every single one is like "You're probably experiencing nausea and sore breasts".  Ok, one but not the other.  WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!  Then there are tips for combating nausea, and warnings about how basically you're going to never sleep, have sex, or be comfortable again for the next 9 months.  Oh, and apparently you get to fart all the time and have horrible heartburn until the kid is born.  Super.  I guess that'll be fun to look forward to.  The worst part of it is that along with all of these horrible side effects of growing a human are messages like "But even though you're uncomfortable and unhappy, just smile and remember it's all for a good cause".  Fuck you.  No.  If I feel miserable, I'm not going to smile and say it's all for a good cause.  I'm going to say I'm miserable.  What the hell is this, the 1950's?  Put on your happy face and pretend everything is peaches and growing a human isn't at all bothersome?  Perhaps I should meet my husband at the door with his evening cocktail and make sure I drink a lot of wine to keep the baby small so I can keep my lovely figure while I'm at it.

Why can no one be real about this stuff?  I mean, can't anyone on the internet say "This is what you're staring down the barrel of at the moment, and it's going to suck.  Just get through it, you don't have any other choice"?

Luckily, right now, that's not where I am.  And all of those "Everyone is different and every pregnancy is different" things make me nuts, because I'm not sure if I'm normal at the moment or not.  My mom didn't get sick with any of us, so did I inherit that from her?  If so, thank you for that one, mom.  If not, when should I start expecting to see that stuff start happening?  I just don't know.  And the internet isn't helpful, it's insipid and made for all those moms who want a weekly update on what size fruit their baby resembles at the moment, and who take weekly photos of their belly to document everything, or have knocked up and fabulous photo shoots.  I'm not those women.  I'm the one over here wanting to keep this as scientific as possible.  Let's be clinical, shall we?  You tell me what to expect, and I'll brace myself and get through it.  Because I have no other choice.


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