Earlier this week, my husband and I were having some conversations around impending doctor's appointments, screenings we're going to have to go through, and a variety of other things. I said something about the discussion I was having with my doctor's office, and mentioned that they asked what pregnancy symptoms I was having, and I said that aside from the sore breasts and two positive pregnancy tests, none. I also mentioned that I had to take two tests because I kept hoping maybe the first one was wrong. That's when my husband said something kind of shattering. He said "Well, you don't exactly seem very happy about this, so it pretty much seems like you're just doing it because we agreed to and you didn't want to go back on that". Then I started crying.
I know that's how it seems. I know that's how everything I've said up to this point has come off. I know that's how he sees it, but he's been a bit stand off about the whole thing. If I don't bring it up, he doesn't talk about it. I don't even know what I'm supposed to say if I do bring it up. And it's not even that I'm necessarily unhappy. I'm just more afraid than I am happy. I hate venturing into the unknown, and this is all entirely unknown to me. I'm afraid of being a really bad parent. I'm afraid I'm too selfish. I'm afraid no one will actually be happy for us. My whole life I've been told things like "Well, you're not exactly maternal" or "I've never pictured you as a mom". Ouch. It was bad when it was family saying those things, but somehow worse when it was near strangers saying it. All of those sort of statements sting, and they make you second guess yourself. I watch my sisters with their kids and think "I'm not sure I could do all of that". I don't know if I'm cut out to be super mom. I'm not even sure I'm cut out to be moderately adequate mom. If I go too far down the rabbit hole, the tears start, and I'm eaten up by the fear. Plus, I'm a cautious person. I'm, presumably, about 7 weeks into this. That means we're still right there in the middle of the danger zone where everything could fall apart. I don't want to let myself get too excited, or look forward to anything, just in case bad things happen. That will just make everything worse. So, I prefer to not let myself get too worked up. It just feels like setting myself up for heartbreak.
I told my husband that, since he never talks about it, it doesn't exactly seem like he's happy either. He said he was, but his reasons weren't things that were overly comforting. He said he was happy we weren't sterile, and that the timing is working out the way it is because our insurance is cheaper this year and it'll save us money, and that we did something right even if it's something dogs can do. Those don't seem like the sort of reasons most people have. They have little to do with wanting a baby, or parenting, or being excited to raise a child. They're all very flat and practical. I can't blame him, I've been the same way. But I guess I would have felt better if it had been something along the lines of "I'm really excited to be a dad" because at least then one of us would be confident in their ability to not fuck up everything.
I know it seems like I don't care, or don't have an ounce of happiness in me. It's not like that. It's just that letting that come out right now seems like a bad idea, in case everything goes badly. Plus, sometimes when the fear kicks in, it's hard to find that happiness underneath it. It's why I spent the first two days of my impending motherhood in tears. I'm so afraid. I hope at some point the happiness outweighs that, but at this moment, I'm not there. I'm trying to be. I just need some time.
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