Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Still here

The funny thing about this point in a pregnancy is that everyone starts asking how you're feeling, but they ask it with one of those tones like they're sort of afraid of your answer.  I think people are used to getting their heads bitten off by women who are just over the whole process.  I find that when I reply "I'm fine", everyone looks at me like they're waiting for something else.  Like that's the opening line for a flood gate to open and the bile to start spewing out about how I really am.  Or, they just look at me like I'm lying.  But I'm not lying.  I'm fine.  I'm impatient.  I hate waiting.  I hate not knowing.  But I'm not miserable.  I'm not "so over it".  I'm not shouting things like "This baby needs to get out of me!" like some of my co-workers did.  I'm fine.  I just sort of want to know when the next step is going to happen.  I'm not looking for a light at the end of the tunnel, I'm just looking for an end to the uncertainty and anticipation.

I think other people are looking for that too.  I've now reached ticking time bomb status, where everyone thinks every call or text from me or my husband is going to be THE CALL.  My mother didn't hear from me for 2 hours last week after I said I'd stop by to pick something up "later" and called to make sure we weren't squirreled away in a hospital somewhere keeping her out of the loop.  I was at work and my computer shut down while I was in a meeting so my connection to the office instant messaging program went dead and I got a text from a friend I work with that said "Are you having a baby?" because that's what people immediately think now when anything seems odd.  It's sweet, and nice that people are thinking of us, but it's also so weird.  I'm not used to people really paying attention to what I'm doing on any given day.  It's been interesting to see who is excited, especially since some of the people who have been inquiring are a bit unexpected.  Now I feel like it's not just me who is on edge going "When will this happen?", but instead it's everyone.  Everyone waiting and wondering.

My husband had a weirdly prophetic dream over the weekend that she'd be born on the 18th.  I don't know whether to put much stock into that dream or not.  He's done that before, predicting his grandfather's death and also being within a day of our friend's son being born, so who knows?  I'm not sure if it's good or bad that he told me that.  On one hand, it's funny and I fully understand that it means nothing.  On the other hand, there's a piece of me that is mentally like "Ok so it'll be tomorrow.  I better wrap up ALL of my work stuff today" even though there's absolutely no reason for me to believe that's true.  It was a dream.  It doesn't mean much.  But there's that little voice that says "but what if he's right?" because you sort of can't help thinking that sometimes.  I guess we'll find out tomorrow.

Speaking of work, I handed off most of my stuff to people who will be covering while I'm out.  All of my big projects were wrapped up last week, so I don't have a whole lot going on in my work world at the moment.  It makes it really hard to not just have ADD and spend my days doing a lot of nothing.  Such a bad way to handle your work life, I know.  But at the same time, I have no idea when my last day here will be's hard to get really invested in what I'm going to be doing tomorrow.  I'm trying not to mentally check out, but it's difficult.


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