Monday, December 29, 2014

Know what sucks?

At this point, pretty much everything.

That's not entirely true.  In fact, it's a bit over-dramatic.  But waiting does suck.  And I'm still doing a lot of that.  It doesn't help when people are texting me like "Where is that baby?" as if I'm holding it hostage or something.  Trust me, I'm as tired of waiting as everyone else.  Perhaps I am even, wait for it, MORE tired of waiting than everyone else.  I'm not looking forward to the exit process, but I'm ready to move on to the next milestone.  I'm ready to do something different.  I also wouldn't mind being able to roll over in bed without it being a bunch of effort because my ab muscles are pretty much fucked.  I've done really well throughout all of this, keeping as active as I've always been, not letting anything stop me from living like usual, but lately my abs are stretched to an extreme and they do not want to work like normal anymore.  I want them to.  They just aren't cooperating.  I'm basically back to feeling like I just had some sort of serious workout involving hundreds of crunches and now my abs are screaming for mercy.  It makes things a bit annoying, and certain activities just lead to me feeling like I've pulled more muscles by trying to do normal every day stuff.  I'm glad this has been something that's just come up in the last week or so, when I'm nearly done, but it's still a bit annoying.

Of course, I say I'm "nearly done" but am I?  I have no idea.  Apparently they won't let me go more than 2 weeks over my due date, so at most I have 17 days left, but 17 days seems like a long time.  It's a lot of waiting and wondering.  I'd like for it to not drag on that long, but I don't get much say in this situation.  I fully understand this is probably some sort of metaphor for my future, that I will never have a real say in anything again and life will become unpredictable and whatever else, which is all fine and good, but I'm ready to move forward.

The fact is, this whole time I've felt like this is happening to someone else.  That it's sort of someone else's life.  The lack of pregnancy complaints or struggles (at least other than the ones in my head) and the fact that this kid is pretty mellow as far as I can tell in comparison to other people's kids during pregnancy, has left me feeling like I'm detached from the whole thing.  Intellectually I know this is my kid, she'll be half of my DNA (poor girl) and I'm going to bring her home and be responsible for her for the rest of her life, but on an emotional level I'm still just not there.  I know, terrible of me to say when I'm sitting here 2 days out from my due date and still don't feel "connected" but that's the truth.  It's who I am.  Nothing is real until it's in front of me.  I've always been that way.  So I sort of need to be done so this can be real.  So that I can look at her face and pick out which features are mine, which are my husband's, and I can touch her and hold her and say "Yes, now you are real.  Now you exist and we're a family".  I need this piece of the journey.  As afraid of it as I am, I also just need to get to it.  I need to make something abstract into something real, and I'm tired of waiting.

Plus, I have to start plotting to show her all of these terrifying sonogram photos we have of her looking like an angry alien.  Maybe I'll save that for her wedding.


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